i'm sorry.

afraid of the future

I just came home from the church after visiting one of our family friend whose remains lay there. I shall miss his smile. While I was there, I started thinking...'damn, we never know when we are really going to go.' He was just playing ball and then he passed. Why?, he wasn't even 40 yet and he has such young children. Well as I always say, I'd rather die in an accident then die having a sickness that even though would prolong my life, its just a way of saying goodbye slowly.

I don't like to think of it.

additional year.

I turned 22. It was a bleh. I'm getting old and nothing has changed. Well nothing that I know of.

My husband said I'm a pessimist. Yes I am. I hate that part of me but I am.

I hate my job. I need something that would inspire me. I need something that would make me want to go to work everyday. I do not like where I am now. I do not like her there. I am so totally against her but that is life. I can't have everything I want. I know it.

I hate rumors. I hate being the person that I am.

Sorry.

I will be ok...

I was out with my hubs and some of my friends and his friends and for some reason, I just couldn't relate to whatever they were talking about at times and then I'd feel totally out too. Why is that? Is it because I've been out of the picture for too long. Sometimes, I fear, that I just don't fit in anywhere.

I will be fine.

I am just not feeling right.

finally...

I know I've been a professional bum but hey I'm not a bum anymore.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones

I finally have a job. I started like yesterday and well it was OK. I'm not complaining or anything but I've never really handled a real classroom all by myself; and yesterday, I was asked to teach all by myself with no help from no one. I just wanted to cry. But then after lunch, I was assigned to help at the admin side of the school so that made me feel a lot better. I was so ready to go "Honey, I don't want to work anymore", but I know that I want the challenge and I want to work also. So I think I will give this a go.

Oh, I think I will have to move to Bandar *yaye :) I think* I miss my house in KB.

finally

after a long time of not blogging nor putting any pictures up on my multiply, i finally decided its time to. ha.

sorry.

my small world

Ever since I got married, I just realised how simple life can be. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep. the occasional what am I going to do also appears from time to time.

Seriously,I do not get why people make their lives complicated. Ok. Fine. Complicated is good because it doesnt make you think about the pimple on your face or what outfit you have to wear for your cousins wedding. Complicated nakes you think of the present and not the future. I want complicated. I need some complications in my life. Help?

my mother

"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement." -- Florida Scott-Maxwell

"A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's." -- Diana, Princess of Wales

For now I can truly say, my best friend is my mother.

Why? My mother has been there for me no matter what. Why is it that only now I understand what my mother was telling me all this time. I know we've had our falling out but she has always been there when I fall off the right path. Seriously. Back when I was a teenager, I used to not tell my mother anything for fear that she would not understand, but she was always reassuring me that she would try to understand. Why did I not trust her? *I was a teenager, a rebellious one at that* Now that I am married, I tell my mother almost everything; of course leaving a couple of details =)

I love my momma. And for that I thank God that she is my momma and not anyone else's.

on the verge of....

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend."
- by John Leonard

I think...Besh has been my 'oldest' friend. I've known her since forever, since before we even started school. we practically grew up with each other. Although, I know that we've drifted apart in the past, I reckon our friendship now is stronger than ever. I love her for that. For some reason, we can relate to each other more than anyone else. *except of course my yennie bun bun..so u better some back okay?* in the last year or so.. Besh has been there for me..and hopefully, I too the same for her.



It has been an uber long time since i met up and chatted with my friends. I've missed them. It has been even a longer time that all of us met each other together, just like old times. oh well. Yesterdays' lunch with besh was perfect. We both just needed the same R&R...*yes I need them too* We both needed to vent and it was just perfect. I've missed her loads. The other day levv came over to the house to get his cheesecake but the idiot forgot to take it too... oh well i shall just eat it. It will just rot in the fridge if ever. that boy is just a boy. but i still love him.

........

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

I love being a mother. It may be a tough job but I am loving it. When i need some time for myself or time with my hubby that is when my maid comes and she has been of great help to me. She has been so nice.

All i ever want in this life is to be a mother someday and give that unconditional love my parentals gave me to my children. *yes, i still want more kids..i'm thinking 2 more*

I went to watch simpsons last nite with the hubs and it was funny to the bone. would love to watch it again but i think this time just the dvd... but i wouldnt mind watching it again on the big screen. It was just hilarious. Last week we watched harry potpot but it wasn't as good as I expected it to be. damn it. now i have to read the book. i reckon there were just too many bits and pieces that were left and well it was pretty obvious and the person sitting next to me on my right was telling me what parts were missing and that sucked.

i've finally decided to work again and will take the job offer in Bandar. So that means I will be back living in Bandar. ooh... life.. =) joyous one. although, i love my house now. its peaceful and nice and so close to town and the beach and the playground where i want my baby to play when he grows up.

decisions decisions decisions. one that we already know the answer to but difficult to make.

im sad. do not ask why. but i am. i do not like feeling this way, it affects how i treat my baby and I do not like it. i want to be back to my normal self. I love my baby so much.

sorry i needed to ventilate.

its 1am and i cant sleep. hmm... do not ask why.

I met up with some old friends of mine from ISB... i missed boon. and shes leaving already. damn it. oh well at least we got to spend some time together. and have a good talk. someday soon again yes babe? now i want my kaka yen here. i miss her to bits. shes the one person I can tell anything to and not having to worry what is going to come out of her mouth. *kaka yen come back please????*

anyways, omg! i swear, by the time its like 10pm I am so exhausted already.. why is that? age? hope not! i'm only 21! or its prolly because m just not used to going out anymore, m not used to hanging out late at nite. I remember back in the day, i would be out every night with my friends and just chilling sippin coffee and talking about everything and anything under the sun. i miss those days. i miss the days when i can pretend i am blond *seriously, i dont think I am*

Im being emo. fuck.

I love my life now. its just my teen years was cut short. but im not regretting. I love my hubs and my baby to the omg! I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. its just really good for me now.

so this is where i start to say I am living a fairy tale....or am I???...

Its weird, I've been looking for good recipes online. Damn. Now I really feel like a mother/housewife. These things are the things done by them. oh well. no regrets. I love it and I love cooking. For some really odd reason, i prefer cooking now to shopping..well that is if I am in Brunei. :)

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im so happy..... lalalala.....

ok.. its been a while but hey not like anyone reads here... but yeah. Been busy busy busy busy... being a wife and a mother is no easy task... and i do need some time for myself too.. so tonight that is exactly what I did. I went out with besh for a supposedly quick coffee where we ended up meeting and catching up with old friends and our loved ones.. levv and manuel. *thanks for sharing the table* levv.. i still want those pictures, i like my like my picture in your camera.

So sue asked me how is married life... well all I gotta say is.. I'M LOVING IT... i love being a wife.. i love being in love.. i love having my own family. Although tonight made me think of my life before I was married..before I became a mother... i missed it yes.. but I wouldn't trade my life now with my life then... I am really loving my life now. I've done my part in enjoying singlehood and all...so no regrets at all...

Besh was telling me earlier how lucky I am to have a hubby like mine and in laws like mine... well to be honest.. I feel lucky too... I mean in a world like today its hard to find a man like mine and I thank GOD that he gave me a good man. *love u*

anyways... ive finally finished calebs baptism photos... :) thank god! it took a while.. been uber busy with everything.

To all who came for the 'makan' thanks... and for the god parents.. thank you for letting caleb enter your lives... ;)

I was just reading some blogs.. and i decided to check on mine and see if anyone was tagging.. and apparently there are nameless people on my tagboard... hmm.. interesting... well first i'd like to thank nameless for the densive answer.. and to ... (wtf?) if you think i'm a bitch.. then i am but who cares.. i'm not on this earth to please everybody.. ;) I'm here for my family and my friends.. and well im still alive and living because I still have a purpose on this earth.. and that is to have a family.. unlike some low life people like you... i guess you havent found your purpose yet.

on a very happier note...

i love being a mom... and caleb is almost 2 months old. gak.. busy busy busy with his baptism preparations... hmm... but a quick picture of my lil baby

See he's a very happy infant.. ;)

Boredom led me to this....

1. Name someone who made you smile today.
- My hubby and my mom... they took me out shopping...

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping...

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
changing nappies

4. What is something that happened to you in 1992?
I turned seven.

5. What is the last thing you said aloud?
please get me a glass of water. warm.

12. What's the weather like today?
sunny

13. What is the best ice cream flavor?
choco mint

14. What is something you are excited about?
err... going home to kb and playing my dance pad.

15. When was the last rainbow you saw?
I can't remember.

16. What size shoe do you wear?
seven and a half/Eight.

18. Are you random?
Yeah, most of the time.

19. Do you want to cut your hair?
yes

21. Do you talk a lot?
Yes

23. Does your screen name have an "x" in it?
No

24. Do you know anyone named Steven?
yes

26. Are you ticklish?
sometimes

27. Are you typically a jealous person?
no

28. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "R":
razi

29. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "N":
noel

30. Who's the 1st person on your received calls list?
my dad... using his office phone

31. What did the last text message you received say?
chinky telling me to just message her when I get home

32. Do you chew on your straws?
yes

33. Do you have curly hair?
Nope

34. What is the next concert you're going to?
err....

35. Whats your favorite color?
pink and yellow

37. What is something you say a lot today?
idiot

38. What is the last thing you ate?
california maki

39. Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"?
wat movie is that??

40. Do you have work tomorrow?
Nope

41. Is marriage in your future?
i'm married

42. When was the last time you said "I love u"?
half an hour ago

43. What should you be doing right now?
washing the dishes

44. Do you have a nickname?
matet, tet, mat

45. Are you a heavy sleeper?
I used to be

46. When was the last time you used a skateboard?
err... i dont remember

47. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
300

51. Did you cry today?
No :)

52. Do you like someone right now?
i'm in love

53. Are you currently playing any sports?
no

55. Last time you listened to music?
while I was driving home

56. Last time you watched tv?
m watcching tv now

57. Do you miss someone right now?
I am home...

58. What are you doing at this very moment?
doing this, watching tv and taking care of my baby

59. Who is the last person you talked on the phone with?
jomai

60. Are any of your friends going to fill this out?
no

I;m so annoyed. my stupid limewire wouldnt work.. so as an alternative I decided to download morpheus.. and that too is not working. damnit. I feel like an IT idiot. argh. I'm annoyed... grrr...

as for the rest of my life.. err.. there really isnt much updating.. because.. all ive really been doing is taking care of my baby... and thats it.. so yeah... not that I am complaining and all..I'm loving it.. ;) its just tiring at times.. that is why I thank God I have a hubby like mine and a family like mine and his.. ;)

will try to post more..

Its been exactly a week and a day since I gave birth. It feels great. I swear, It feels so good to be a mother. I guess thats how first timers feel.

So...labour... hmm...now I really understand what my momma went through..I swear, after giving birth, my level of respect for mothers are way way higher than I had for them. I didnt know it was that hard but hey they went through it and well its an experience every woman should have.

I was back in Kb when i started feeling pain. Can you believe it?...I couldnt sleep anymore and so my hubby decides to drive to JPMC at like 1am?.. 1AM?... what the hell was he thinking?... but anyway.. after a long convincing from my hubby, I decided to go as well. We arrived at the hospital at around 2:30am.. my contractions were not "normal" yet..so the midwives checked if I was really in labour and well, I was alrady 3cm open. So..with that, they didnt let me go home. By 8am, the doctor checked up on me and well by 9am, she decides to give me an injection that would make my contractions to either stop or be more normal. But my contractions went to normal and well by noon I was open at 6cm..they brought me to the delivery room. The pain, the torture without any kind of drugs or epidural. it hurt but my hubby was with me the whole time. *thank GOD for good husbands*. We were actually estimating for me to give birth at around 5 or 6pm but by 4:03pm I gave birth to a very healthy baby boy, we named him CALEB ALEXANDER.

so. a week later, im back in front of my computer, telling the whole world about my labour experience. I reckon, to everyone who hasnt gone through pregnancy, well they should try it at least once.. and go for normal delivery rather than a c-section. I mean, c-section would be painful after birth but normal is pain all the way but everything goes away once you see the baby. A baby is really a bundle of joy.

So here is my pride. my joy. my new love of my life (besides his father of course). CALEB ALEXANDER.


I love you.


I'm not going to post. just picture update. I cant be bothered now and my family needs me.