I feel so MUCH better today. I swear. I havent been happy in such a long time.

No. It isn't because of him again. I am happy because now I will finally PUT my feet down and just move on with my life. There is life after him. There is life after everything. It feels good.

Last nite I went out with some friends and a friend told me that 'you are hot!...you can have any other guy out there. ' Somehow with what that friend said. It made me think. Yes! I am Hot and I will always be Hot!...hehe..*ego moment* I needed my ego boosted. It felt wonderful.

As I have promised I will keep in contact. I will but now...its just plain ol' yea..how are you? kinda thing no more of that lonely feeling or whatever bullshit. I mean if he wants me back..he will come back..if he doesnt...well I will just be grateful that even for once in my life I was loved by you.

Anyways.. earlier on tonight I was watching 50 first dates...it was a feel good movie. Now i'm just thinking. I wish someone would make me fall in love everyday. Now I am watching a walk to remember...one of my favourite movies..its sad but a good one. Thats the kind of commitment I want for my next relationship. It feels good and I know it.

=)

I was just looking through my pictures at my multiply. I just wanted to cry. It hurts. Most of the pictures there were with him. What made things worst is I'm listening to M.C's Mine Again. How ironic.

On a more happier note..Im getting better with moving on. I had a semi sorta kinda like a date for lunch today. It felt weird. I was wishing it was him instead of that guy. Hey life.

I just cant wait for tomorrow. I need to feel happy even for a moment. Give me some happiness baby!. I know you can...wait...I know you will... you always do.

i cried again.

i hate how i am such a weakling for him.

I met him yesterday after a week or so...I just wanted to take him away and keep him in my bag so he has no where else to go and has no other choice but to be mine...Now..that is what I really want.

I still love him.

I am tryin to totally get over it but I just can't. Not with me still in perfect contact with him.

ANYWAYS

easter! I went to kb for my easter vigil. No. not because of him but because I felt I needed something more solemn. My holy week was not even holy week. which felt crap. So i said I needed something more solemn. The vigil was tiring but it felt good. it has 5 effing hours. Full as in super complete easter vigil. One that I haven't attended in a while.

The next day, I met up with him..we went to the hospital to visit his mum then went to church..however, half way through mass we left. I was uber hungry! I havent eaten since like the night before. So we had breakfast then I went back to the hotel I was staying in with an aunt. Then back to where I belong where there was a gatherong for my cousins' belated birthday.

Last nite I went to church with levv..then we went to gadong to catch up with things. I just realise its hard to catch up especially if you have been left out a lot!...No one to blame but myself. I wanted some time to recover. I did and I am recovered. Not fully but I am recovered. I have accepted the fact that I am single and that I will be for a while.

I am not looking for anyone to be in a relationship however if someone I desire or feel something for I may start a relationship but I shall never forget him. I love him and I will always love him.

Im happy.

wait.

no.

I am happy and sad.

im confused.

i want my booboo

i miss my booboo

i love my booboo

argh...

i shall leave you with pictures.

i love my bunniebunbun...

pout those lips honey!

yes! I can be manja with her too... she understands me... I love u!

smile??

look there its your booboo....

The beautiful sky...

our wonderful feet with our pretty slippers..

boredom..

I was chatting with a friend of yours last nite. He told me how you told him you still love me. Later on he also told me how you didn't want to get back. At first I was happy, later on, I just wanted to cry. I know I couldnt cry anymore. I've cried more than enough. I've shed so much tears for you. I'm gonna stop feeling everything that I am feeling right now and just go back to my starting point again. This is like the nth time I am saying this but I know this is the time to actually move on. I will move on. Trust me. I have done that before and I will do it again. it will be very hard but hey! if thats the only thing that would make me forget you.

I am not saying that i totally want to forget you. All I am saying is that I want to forget that I was once the girl that you love. Don't worry. I will still love you. But for now I will just put you right behind my heart and at the back of my mind. I will still be here if you need me.

As I woke up today, I decided to go to church. I asked God to give me strength. He gave me that. I feel a lot stronger today. I feel better. I reckon as the day passes I will get stronger and stronger. I will feel better and better. The good thing is, I have actually stopped crying.

I actually found the courage to throw the old roses you gave me for valentines. I decided not to sleep with booboo last nite as well as your sweater. I've chucked them away. I decided I needed to learn to sleep alone. Today I plan to take off your pictures in my room. No, I still wont delete your pictures in my computer. They still keep me happy. I just don't want to see pictures of us in my room as they remind me of you. Ive also decided to keep everything that you have given me. They will always remind me of you. So for now until I know I have moved on. I will place them in a place where I know I can't see them.

I'm sorry but I know I have to do this.

I woke up at 4am today. I called him. He seemed busy but he called back. All I wanted was to tell him how much I love him. However, I couldn't. It still hurts. It hurts to know the fact that he is not mine anymore. It hurts to know that I can never have him back.

I'm crying.

I've been crying so much.

No I am not blaming you. It isn't your fault why this happened. I never blammed you. I can never blame you. I blame myself for everything. I know it is my fault. You don't have to blame yourself. I know I haven't been the girlfriend that you want me to be. I'm sorry.

I read your blog. I cried again. No, it's not your fault. I cried because I was touched by what you said. It made me want to hope for your again but will it ever happen? I want to cry again but I can't cry anymore. My eyes hurt so much.

I want you. I want you back. No wait. I need you in my life. I know you don't see it but yes, I really need you in my life.

You take care okay. I love you. I love you so much! I will always love u!

-edited-

I just got off the phone with him. My heart started bleeding even more. The sound of your voice is just so soothing. Remember when I told you how I felt safe everytime you hugged me. The last time i felt your hug, it didnt feel the same. It made my heart bleed. The last time I saw you all I wanted was to take you away. I wanted to make you mine forever. But I can't. I can't even make you mine even for a while longer.

A while ago you said you'd be back...same thing you said before. Whenever you say that i start hoping. But then I start losing that hope as the day passes. Can you just reassure me? or just tell me that you will be back soon. Don't tell me that you will be back only after you realise that I'm really gone. I want you. I want you here with me now.

A while ago, I was talking to a friend. He told me the only way to get you off my mind is to take everything that belonged to you away from me. The only time I should look at them is when I know I am completely healed. I told him I dont want to do that as I know all the pictures, booboo, the sweater has nothing to do with you. They are just some of the things you have given me...it means a lot but not as much as you. and besides if I do that, I dont know when will I ever look at them again as I know I will never get over you.

"Back When It Was"

[Verse 1:]
I got a song in my heart
Let me start with I'm over you
Still it can't hurt me to say very plain . . . I think about you
And the laughs and the jokes and the times that I shared with you.
I got this feeling for reminiscing
Wanted to take that trip down memory lane
But what is missing, is that you're not here to sit down with me
So I'm thinking these beautiful things all by myself.
And what's on my mind is...

[Chorus:]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

[Verse 2:]
The smile that you left me with, is the same smile I've kept on wearing
The smile's not so much tied to you
More tied to what we spent sharing
Simple little things
But it was all those simple little things that pleased me the most...
Need I remind you 'bout the good times baby
There were good times from the start
Good times in my heart
A heart that never lied
Remember back in '99.
When we snuck into the neighbor's pool and went for a dip
There were good times in the rain
Good times everyday
Good times Heaven knows
Remember that dirty little joke
Made us laugh all night long.

[Chorus:]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

[Bridge]
The joy you left me with, nothing stronger since
What we did together
I ain't felt nothing better since that time
Those were the days
The nights
The minutes
The seconds
That you were mine

[Chorus]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

The whole song does not really relate...but it does...most the lyrics does relate. These are the songs that makes me a little bit stronger.

I'm hurting still. I wont know until when but I am hurting and will be hurting for a little longer. I thought it would be easy but it really is difficult.

I was just looking at our last pictures. The ones we took for our first year anniversary. Somehow, it made me smile because at least in those pcitures you looked happy. I just hope I did make you happy. Those pictures also made me cry just because I know that those pictures may be the last ones that I take with you.

You told me not to lose hope. But what if you find someone else? what if you never really loved me? You said you'd be back but when?...Will I have to wait forever? I am hurting and will only be hurting for you. I will be crying only for you.

I love you so much. I just want you to know that. I love you and I will always love you no matter what happens.

I thought we were happy. what happened to our future?

for the past couple of days I have been crying non stop. I wish I could just take all of the pain away. take everything that has hurt me. I know what I did was my decision but whatever I decided on. Is that how I really want things to be? Do I really want to be depressed when I could actually be happy even for a while longer?

Does he still love me? Does he even think of me? Does he want me back? cos I know I do. Right now everything is just a blurry thing that I wish could just fade away. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. I need someone to just tell me that he loves me and that he will just be there for me. I do not need just anyone. I need him and only him.

I love you.

Its been a while. But who cares, not like anyone actually reads this. However, this week has been a blergh. A lot has happened. as in A LOT has happened. but i'm too lazy so maybe next time. Haha. I love pictures!...weeeeee

We just love taking pictures!

We look like a couple no? hehe.. My previous neighbour, a childhood friend.

for the first time in a very long time...i felt really nice today. I felt like me. I felt confident. I felt emotionally and physically strong. I felt that there was a lot of greatness earlier on. I missed that. I missed how I was. I missed how I would usually get dressed and feel pretty. I missed those days when someone would give me the stare just because. I missed those days when he would say 'I think you're hot!'. So finally today, I decided, I have to be hot! I have to be myself without restraining myself just because i'm attached. To be honest, it was nice. I liked it. no. wait. I loved it. I loved the expression in his eyes when he saw what I looked tonight. I loved how he said I was 'different'. I loved how he was asking his friends how I looked different. I loved the attention he gave me. I missed that a lot. There were lots of happiness today. I am hoping it lasts.

watched fragile. great movie. freaky but somehow true. I believe in the saying 'they stay with the people they love' and they are the people who are in the other world. *shivers*

I missed you. Thank you for coming back.

I love this shot!

I was looking at some random pictures from a friends site. *sorry nanings I took some of your pics* it was our *mine and helbes* trip to the philippines. It was from our reunion with the others there. Sad to say we didn't really meet them all kse most of them had their appointments or watever excuse they made...hehe ;)


Caby, moi, nannings and michelle


marck, melvin, kb, and boo



Us again. at the club this time

Our matadoe moment!


I was already trying to be nice to him and this is what he does to me!


Our CK ad


The Fantastic 4


These are just some of the pictures that me and my camwhore friends have taken...i swear there are tons more..as in super tons more! They are all on my multiply but sad to say I had to put everything for my contacts only and well if you aren't and really wants to see them ask me.

I've been pretty tied down. Well I try to be.

I finally watched V for vedetta, its was good however, I think it wasted my boos money just to watch it at the movies, should have just gotten a dvd and watched it at home. It didn't bore me. I guess I am just not up for those movies. I've always been a diehard romantic and thus loves watching romantic movies or scare myself off in the movies watching some scary flick where I can hug my boo and get the TLC I love getting from him.

I chilled with levv, chinx and cheche the last nite...and this I reckon we shall only see each other like after a couple of days rather than everyday..at least we wont feel restless when we see each other.

I miss my boo. I miss my siblings and I miss my old friends.

*boonzz...I love u. Thanks.

**mitch. i love you too.. Thanks as well.

Sometimes I wonder if the friends that i am always with are my real friends or are they just friends just because they need you. Somehow now I'm hurting. Not because of him but because of other people. Sometimes, I think that my real friends are actually the friends whom I don't often see but when I talk to them its seems like we've never been apart. I miss my old friends.

im hurting.

Ive never hurted this much before.

Ive never cried the whole night non stop.

I need help.

I want to hate you but I love you so much.

I cant fucking post a picture..Ive been tryin to upload a picture since forever. maybe later.

Life can be good at times yes?? Well last nite me and my boo had a good talk. and yes, its all good. ive finally stopped crying. I think. It hurts to cry and yes, hurt hurts. Life can be a bitch but then after that obstacle everything is all good again. Like me and Helbe. It hasn't just been good. It has been a fucking rollercoaster, and if I ever have to do it again, I definitely will, that is if it is him again. It is a good rollercoaster.

There are just days that you feel you need the freedom where you need not tell another person what you are goin to do and what you want to do or just whatever. I know how that feels and as I was talking to my man last night, I realised, I know what he was talking about how there are days when you feel like single not because you do not love the person you are with but because you like that chase. The chase where you can look at someone else and get her phone number or have a date without feeling guilty because you are in a relationship. I have had that feeling and gawd! it just...well that's when you actually realise how much you love the person that you are in a relationship with.

I know I am ranting again. Self-control. Boo was telling me that I should have some kind of self-control. Well, honey, thats why I have you. haha...another rant.

I still cant fucking upload a picture!!!

Im depressed.

the story of us

Love is just lust in disguise, and lust fades, so you damn well better be with someone who can stand you - The Story of Us.

I love love love that movie. It is such a great movie..

...we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight...

Look, this is ridiculous, we love each other, all couples go through this, let's give it another try.

There are some hurts that you never completely get over. And you think, I don't know, that time will diminish their presence - an-an-and to a degree it does - but, ah... it still hurts. Because, well... hurt hurts.

People *change* over time - you've got to expect that.... the only way a relationship works is if people grow and change together!

Well this is just some of the quotes that I like from that movie..I was just watching it and I thought I should share it with you. Its a good eye opener to alot of things...a marriage is not just a marriage...its a whole new world.

*I love you boo*


In the past couple of days, i have cried so much that I feel like my eyes are just going to pop out anytime soon as argh....i'm stressed. I do not know wat to do.

*On a more lighter note* I finally saw qeelz and talked with her..thank god for having friends like her. After church yesterday I had dinner with my ma and my friends and then sent ma home and went out again. *i love my mom* While I was out with some of my friends. I realised something. They are the friends that listens to you....GOD!...thank you for friends like them. Im seriously messed up now. I think I really need something to do cos doing nothing makes me so blah with my life. It sucks! I want something to do! I swear, when I am not doing anything I tend to think of all negative things. I am just a pessimist that I am always thinking so fucking negative and its starting to kill me. I want to know but I cant because Im scared. <<--- Very random i know. Dont care.

I was just looking at some lyrics from a song that I heard from the Movie story of us. I love love love the lyrics.

(I) Get Lost

by Eric Clapton

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

Chorus

'Cause I am nothing without you.

Why should we have taken so long
To be looking inside of our mind?
Everything we tried went wrong.
Are we worried 'bout what we might find?

I'm sorry,
But can I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know it hurts me too.

Chorus

And you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing we can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.
And I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.


*Soph...I love my hair too..haha.. Love u babes*

the nite out

so last nite me and chinx went to pick up eleven and manuel from work and from there we went to the mall to do some sight seeing...boredom led us to do this. however, it actually turned out to be pretty productive. *to wat i think*

we had dinner at kfc, then headed to the cinema to watch Nanny McPhee a very well.. childish movie with s lil' output for adults. well there are some lessons to be learnt as well right chinx??. there's that If you need me but don't want me I will be there but If you want me but do not need me then I shall be gone, well that is one lesson, the other one, people would definitely do anything for money! ooo..that is soo effing true. I swear it is...However, there is one that I am still trying to figure out about the movie. What happened to Nanny McPhee when the kids did lesson 1??... i mean lesson 2, she lost a mole..lesson 3, she lost another mole...then lesson 4 her skin became better and lesson 5 was her teeth and her figure..so wat is lesson 1??..can someone please tell me...

Anyways..after the movie we headed to chill to talk about the movie and wat i was going on about that lesson shyt..and haha..eleven and chinx took some souvenir..*no comment on that one* well while we were at chill we talked, we laughed and wat we do best...we take pictures.. okay the picture is in my multiply. so just click away, if you can be bothered..haha.. I love you guys..

today??..well i was planning to meeting the beau since he is in town..but we shall see how it goes. I really want to meet him cos I miss him dearly!...i want want want my booboo now now now!... yes, I am an effing demanding girlfriend. *joke*

much much love

the new layout??

well i just randomly thought about getting a new layout and here it is..i think its okay not that hot but it shall do until boredom strikes again.

i just realised its been almost a full month since the last time i blogged here. hey. its not like anyone actually reads this. I do not care. this is where i put how i feel and all that bullshit.

oo..ive finally did something neat to my hair...i had it dyed auburn last sunday and yesterday i had highlights placed on them. i think its pretty sweet. my mom likes it. gosh. i miss those bonding sessions with my mom, irregardless of shopping or going to the salon or watever..i just miss bonding with her. i love love love my mom. she rocks. i know the ups and downs but hey watever happens she is and will always be my mom. i love love love her.

yesterday, i thought of actually just sleeping the whole morning..but apparently around 11ish...my boyfriend arrived at my crib without telling me. *surprised*. i seriously did not want to get out of bed. i was over at my parents bed sleeping when the bell rang and i seriously could not be bothered getting out of the bed just to get the door so my daddy got it and he told me helbe was there i was like 'yeah, watever dad..i know u just want me to get off my lazy ass'..but then my dad went out of the room again and i heard my boos' voice and i frantically jumped out of bed...gawd! he just loves to surprise me...then i hugged him for like forever..cos i swear i was still dead sleepy...*don't blame me...i got off the phone talking to my boo at around 3 in the morning* then we went out for brunch at misato. i just love love japanese... then walked around mall looking for shades for him..couldnt find anything that he likes or that actually suits him. so we went to yayasan and got the shades there...then home sweet home.. he had to go back to kaybee *i hate those times* hes got work today.

when i got home mommy was like lets go to the salon i want to get my hair done. so im like umm..okay..wen?...shes like now...okay..lets go..hehe..i love the salon with my mom..i get to do anything and everything..hehe...well i think watever they did to my hair at the salon, i think its sweet..as i've said earlier. okay i'll just post a vanity picture of myself with the new hair-do..hehe I told u its pretty sweet...hehe...i shall be changing it..hope soon..hehe..like next month..haha... i love my hair for now though..hehe...*thanks to my mommy*

okay...ciaos...

*oo..i shall add the rest of the side thingys when im dead ass bored.*

much love to everyone..

shopgirl/eating out

its 2:30am and I am still not fucking fast asleep. I swear there is something wrong with my body clock, that is if it still fucking exist. I hate this.

I have to wake up by 6:30 to send my ma to work, then pick her up noontime. The whole day today, I was just driving for the family, mostly my ma. I dont mind, its just that it does get tiring and sometimes they just dont understand that.

I just finished watching shopgirl and eating out. Shopgirl, well. *yawn yawn* no comment. Eating out. Weird but incredibly good. I think people should watch eating out to actually understand gays. I know the one person who definitely will not watch it is my booboo. He just abso-fucking-lutely hate gays. I mean, the closest people to me are gay. No, some of them are still in the closet gay but they are gay. do not ask who. I love my gay friends, as gay.

I am currently watching Brokeback Mountain (Its another gay movie), from what I heard from a friend, it is actually good. I will ust watch and see.

The past few days, I have been a professional bum. No, I still havent found a job and Yes, I am NOT looking, well that is until last weekend. do not ask. It hurts.

I swear I just cant sleep earlier than 4am. I probably could, if I was THAT tired, but i never get tired. The only time I would wake up is at noontime or even later. If I do get up earlier, there has to be a really good reason. Just like today. fuck. I slept so late and I woke up at 6-fucking-am. gak! I tried getting more sleep but I just couldnt get more than 2 hours. I skipped lunch and dinner so that I could catch on my sleep. Yes. I do try to get enough sleep for my body. Lunch and dinner time were the only time that I can catch on my sleep. The rest of the day was spent driving for my family. no I am not complaining.

i swaer my sleeping routine is totally fucked up...its 2:30am..and I am still not a tiny bit sleepy...last nite i slept past 2-fucking-am..i need help!

valentines is just around the corner and I still havnt got a clue wat my booboo wants to do...he said he has planned something..but doesnt want me to know until valentines day itself...i havent gotten him a gift...his birthday is coming up as well..wtf??...argh! i hate this!