i hate myself.

i just want to die die die. i hate hate hate myself.

so sue me if that's what you want. i do not want this.

i hate hate hate myself.

somebody just kill me or just take me away.

im unhappy.

Do you even know how hurt I am right now? Do you even bother? Have you ever wondered what it's like to be me? Have you ever thought of how I feel? Have you ever thought of just not being selfish and think of me?

You were my happiness, I guess not. I guess now I have to search for the happiness within me.

I am tryin to be happy. I am tryin to be happy without you.

I hate being alone. but right now, I am so alone. I never thought you would be hurting me this way. I cannot believe that this is happening to me now. *angel, help me* The feeling of loneliness is the worst feeling that anyone could have. For some reason, this is the time where I wished that you would kiss my tears away and say that you love me. for some reason, this is the time where I wish that you were the guy that I first met.

im crying. again.

I do not think I need to explain myself to people why I am feeling the way that I do.

I am unhappy.

I know you ladies are worried about me and all but yes, I am fine. I will be fine once this weekend is over and done with. Right now, I cannot assure you both that I am uberly happy.

I can be happy but I choose not to be.

I want to cry but I shall not. Not until this friday comes.

On a more happier note. Izzah, it was pleasure having you here at my crib and I am sorry if I wasn't at my best. I do hope you enjoyed your stay here. Haha..you should be. I cooked for you. I semi-kinda burnt my hand for you. So you should be happy. I also introduced you to a hot guy. *joke* hehe...

I would post pictures but umm...yeah.. I think I shall...










Saturday afternoon with my lovelies... izzah, yen and I karaoke-ing at the mall arcade. It can be fun. Everyone should try it.




I shall post the others when I've put them all in one page. Maybe later. hehe.. ;) hugs and kisses.

everytime I close my eyes, all I can see is all the negative things that can happen.

All I am hoping is that nothing does happen.

I am crying, deep inside, where no one can see... I am crying.

Maybe all I need is some reassurance. But then again, from the tone of your voice, you sound very happy, I do not know why. I need you here right now where you can hug me and tell me that you love me. I do not want you where you are right now.

Fuck.

I hate what I am feeling right now.

I just hope you love me enough.



I am hating myself right now for everything that I have done wrong.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

hmm...interesting.. wonder if its true?? boo...tell me??

Your Birthdate: October 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I reckon its partly true..but hey...who knows?hehe...

All I ever wanted was to be happy. I tried. Promise. I did. Somehow, there is still something missing.

It isn't him. He is in my life and I am loving it.

But there is something missing.

Earlier tonight, my mom asked me to help her in church as she said my friends were there. The moment I entered there, my friends didn't even bother saying 'hi' or watever. I do not know if I am just being overly sensitive but it was like as if I wasn't even there. Thank God bun bunz was there. I reckon, now I know why I have been partially MIA-ing from them.

Please do not tell me that you miss me when I know that you really do not.

*No, hun...it ain't for U*

I am super sensitive nowadays. I do not know why. I need my baby.

"You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are." - Mr. Rogers


I love this quote. It is true. I do love him just the way he is. There really is nothing that I want to change about him. I know that you have flaws. Honey, I have faults too. But hey, I still love him the way that he is.

However, I am loving the fact that he is soooo sweet with me. I like. I like the fact that I get to manja at him and he still loves it. =P

Honestly, there are more to that. I shall just keep it to myself. Hehe.

I love you.

We wear these clothes and this make-up for other woman more than for men. Men don’t care. They just want us naked. ~ Unknown

For some reason, this quote is true. I reckon, I only wear make up and wear perfect clothes when I am out with my friends. For long part of my relationship, I wasn't really bothered about how I looked. I guess 'cos I thought that for him my looks didn't matter. Then at some point, I reckon it did. So yes, I shall from now on. Be ready to take a look on the new me.

Love is not needing a snooze button on your alarm clock
because when it goes off the first time in the morning
the thoughts of your loved one
make it impossible to fall back asleep.

- Natasha Harris -

That is how I really feel whenever I am with you. Everytime I wake up early in the morning with you by my side. I just can't fall asleep again. Because the thought of knowing that I have you by my side and you loving me is the best feeling in the world.

I love you.

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...-- Isak Dinesen

I was just browsing through some things and this is what I stumbled on. It felt good.

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' -- Erich Fromm

I reckon I have a matured love for him but who knows right? I mean I am so sure that I need him so much because I do love him. I need him all the time even when I know I can do things on my own. Why is that? I guess 'cos i know that he is really there for me *or maybe I am just hoping*. Well whatever I am hoping for, I just want us to be there for each other.

Baby, thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for staying even after everything that we have been through. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate being with you. Stay with me and never leave?

IzzaH...yes, I am back with him. Right now..I am just hoping for the best.
Boonz...don't hate him. I love him. I love you. Just try to understand how everything is just so complicated. Life is full of complications.

All I want to do is CRY CRY CRY....

I can never ever do anything right for you. I swear I can't. All you do is realise all my small faults and all that. I am starting to hate myself again.

Can't you tell with those pictures, I was just tryin to be happy? I thought I have told you that. All I want is just to be happy. But now...I don't know. You don't know just how much I am hurting.

I can't believe that I can never ever make you feel happy. There was once in our life that we were happy. I am still that person. I mean honestly, then you wouldn't really care about all the small errors in my life but now all you notice are my mistakes in life. For once can you notice something else? Please?

I am hurting.

I need good chocolate. "All I really need is love, but a little Chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!" Lucy Van Pelt.

I want to cry now but I have got to hold them down.

Boonz. I need you. I need someone like you to talk to right now.

I know some of you will kill me after reading this. I know boon will kill me after she reads this but anyways.

I am back with him now. I am just taking it one day at a time now. I shall just enjoy life for now.

I was reading some quotes about chocolates. They came from a friend. It said
"It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man."-Miranda Ingram

I reckon thats a really good quote.

Izzah....Remember when I said to let it go. I said it cos I thought it was easy. But then once you are there. It really isn't. I mean no one really knows whats happening and how you both really feel for each other except yourself and him and its so hard. But hey I'm good now.. hehe...

I'm not saying that I am sad or watever..Im a pessimist. Don't bother asking whats in my head. Its just gonna complicate things.

I love you.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could always brighten up a day even if she couldn’t brighten up her own.~ Unknown

I cried the moment you left today.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

So where are we now? Am i still gonna live in my fairytale land or will you drag me down from there and make my fairytale a reality??

I love you.

You said to me I probably don't have friends because most people think im a snob, a bitch and all up to herself?

Do you even really know me?

Do you even bother trying to approach me..?? Why is it wrong to have friends that makes you feel good about yourself??

You said If I was your girlfriend. That is it.. IF...but I am not. Therefore, I am allowed to do whatever I want. I need to find that I am loved again. I know I am not anymore. I just want to be loved. I hate being alone. I hate being lonely. It is starting to kill me.

Earlier you asked if i slept with someone last nite. Why? I thought you knew me better than that. It hurt me. I am not that kind of person. Yes, I was out drinking but No I do not sleep with just anyone just because I was tipsy.

I hate myself for never being able to please you. You are all that mattered to me and now... Poof! Gone.

i'm still hoping but I doubt it will happen. Im scared. I dont want to cry anymore. Please make them stop

I feel so glorious. I swear, I havent felt this beautiful in such a long time. It feels so good. I love my friends and I love my friends friends. thanks stan for driving us.

* just thought I'd share it with all of you*

In the past month, I have been living a lie. I hate it. It sucks.

I have been living in a life that I want to live in and the one that I am supposed to be living. Fuck. I hate it.

I just want to be uber happy but I really cant. I have been showing everyone what they want to see from me. The happy one. Fuck it. I doubt I can be happy as then. I don't want to be living in the past but then again, I cant.

baby, please make me happy. please??

I want to cry.

I was chatting with my brother earlier about my depression. He reckons I go for some professional help. I reckon that too..but at the rate that I am going. Nah. I shall skip that part. Anyways, while I was chatting with my brother earlier on, he told me to download some songs. The moment I heard the song, I just wanted to burst in tears. Thank God for make up and as I have mentioned earlier on, my tear ducts wouldn't let me cry anymore.

Here is a part of the song, Anything for you - Nina
I'd do anything for you
I’ll play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don’t care and I don’t need you
And though you’ll never see me cryin’
You know inside I feel like dying
I’d still do anything for you
In spite of it all
I’ve learned so much from you
You made me strong
But don’t you ever think that I don’t love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don’t work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who’ll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to

And I’d do anything for you
I’ll give you up
If that’s what I should do
To make you happy

About my last post, I was just venting. I know you will read it. I know you know what it's about.

How many more times are you going to hurt me? You don't know it but you are killing me slowly.

You can never be so fucking sensitive that you dont fucking care what I fucking feel.

I hate myself.

You have broken most of your promises. You promised me forever then, you even promised to never leave me..but where are you now??

I blame myself for this failed relationship.

fuck this fucking life! I hate hate being in this fucking world. I just want to be in the light now! I want to not be so fucking numb about everything. I want to just fucking DIE!

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you have to be separated from the person that you love the most.

Life has a funny way in telling you what you have lost and all that. It sucks how you have to go thru all the bullcrap first before anything good happens. Why can't the good just happen without all the suffering?

Damnit.

For the first time in a long time we had a good conversation without the arguements or whatever. It felt good. I miss those times when we can talk without disagree-ing over anything small. Thank you. I missed you.

I was listening to Rihanna-Here I go again. That's how I abso-fucking-lutely feel...

-edited-

Earlier tonight, I met up with an old friend. Hes been superb. He has told me some things that I probably needed to hear. He just made me cry. Good thing is that I dont have much tears to cry anymore. I think my tear duct have died on me and have made me stopped crying for the year. I reckon, my tear duct knows that i have to stop crying over bullshit just because. fuck. for the first time in like 2 weeks I didnt feel like crying except today. Today, when abg sufri told me some things that I needed to hear. I guess he just wanted me to realise a whole lot of things. Thank you abg for everything.

The moment I entered my room today, all I wanted to do was just lock myself in my own little land and pretend that life is perfect and that no one can make me cry or hurt me or whatever. However, that perfect little land of mine lasted only for 2 fucking minutes. I hated it. I hated the moment reality hit me. I hated it so much that I just wanted to be back in my perfect land.

I am so tired from everything that I am feeling. I am tired of showing people what they want to see. I am tired of hiding how I really feel. I doubt they even know how I really feel. No one does. I hate it that no one understands me. I hate it that he was the only person who understood me and left me all alone in this fucked up little world that we are living in when he once told me that he will be with me forever.

I hate being alone anywhere. It makes me think of all the sorrows that I am feeling. I hate it that I have to think of others first before myself. I hate that I cant be fucking selfish with feelings. I just wish 'people' who are surrounding me are more sensitive that they start understanding how I feel. I want people to listen to me. I want them to just please listen to what my heart yearns for.

As I type this I realised that whatever advise anyone gives me, it is all up to me whether I should follow their advise. I have heard them all say whatever they want to say but do you ever listen to what I have to say? Do you ever listen to what your heart says? Do you ever take chances on love?

I just took my chances with love but it has shattered me into pieces. The next time around, I shall be more careful with letting my feelings drown me out.

Right now, all I want is to be insensitive just like you so that I don't have to hide what I am feeling. I just want to be deleted from this earthly life so that I need not feel pain anymore. I just want to just fade away together with the light that we all see.