You said to me I probably don't have friends because most people think im a snob, a bitch and all up to herself?

Do you even really know me?

Do you even bother trying to approach me..?? Why is it wrong to have friends that makes you feel good about yourself??

You said If I was your girlfriend. That is it.. IF...but I am not. Therefore, I am allowed to do whatever I want. I need to find that I am loved again. I know I am not anymore. I just want to be loved. I hate being alone. I hate being lonely. It is starting to kill me.

Earlier you asked if i slept with someone last nite. Why? I thought you knew me better than that. It hurt me. I am not that kind of person. Yes, I was out drinking but No I do not sleep with just anyone just because I was tipsy.

I hate myself for never being able to please you. You are all that mattered to me and now... Poof! Gone.

i'm still hoping but I doubt it will happen. Im scared. I dont want to cry anymore. Please make them stop

I feel so glorious. I swear, I havent felt this beautiful in such a long time. It feels so good. I love my friends and I love my friends friends. thanks stan for driving us.

* just thought I'd share it with all of you*

In the past month, I have been living a lie. I hate it. It sucks.

I have been living in a life that I want to live in and the one that I am supposed to be living. Fuck. I hate it.

I just want to be uber happy but I really cant. I have been showing everyone what they want to see from me. The happy one. Fuck it. I doubt I can be happy as then. I don't want to be living in the past but then again, I cant.

baby, please make me happy. please??

I want to cry.

I was chatting with my brother earlier about my depression. He reckons I go for some professional help. I reckon that too..but at the rate that I am going. Nah. I shall skip that part. Anyways, while I was chatting with my brother earlier on, he told me to download some songs. The moment I heard the song, I just wanted to burst in tears. Thank God for make up and as I have mentioned earlier on, my tear ducts wouldn't let me cry anymore.

Here is a part of the song, Anything for you - Nina
I'd do anything for you
I’ll play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don’t care and I don’t need you
And though you’ll never see me cryin’
You know inside I feel like dying
I’d still do anything for you
In spite of it all
I’ve learned so much from you
You made me strong
But don’t you ever think that I don’t love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don’t work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

I hope you find someone to please you
Someone who’ll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to

And I’d do anything for you
I’ll give you up
If that’s what I should do
To make you happy

About my last post, I was just venting. I know you will read it. I know you know what it's about.

How many more times are you going to hurt me? You don't know it but you are killing me slowly.

You can never be so fucking sensitive that you dont fucking care what I fucking feel.

I hate myself.

You have broken most of your promises. You promised me forever then, you even promised to never leave me..but where are you now??

I blame myself for this failed relationship.

fuck this fucking life! I hate hate being in this fucking world. I just want to be in the light now! I want to not be so fucking numb about everything. I want to just fucking DIE!

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you have to be separated from the person that you love the most.

Life has a funny way in telling you what you have lost and all that. It sucks how you have to go thru all the bullcrap first before anything good happens. Why can't the good just happen without all the suffering?

Damnit.

For the first time in a long time we had a good conversation without the arguements or whatever. It felt good. I miss those times when we can talk without disagree-ing over anything small. Thank you. I missed you.

I was listening to Rihanna-Here I go again. That's how I abso-fucking-lutely feel...

-edited-

Earlier tonight, I met up with an old friend. Hes been superb. He has told me some things that I probably needed to hear. He just made me cry. Good thing is that I dont have much tears to cry anymore. I think my tear duct have died on me and have made me stopped crying for the year. I reckon, my tear duct knows that i have to stop crying over bullshit just because. fuck. for the first time in like 2 weeks I didnt feel like crying except today. Today, when abg sufri told me some things that I needed to hear. I guess he just wanted me to realise a whole lot of things. Thank you abg for everything.

The moment I entered my room today, all I wanted to do was just lock myself in my own little land and pretend that life is perfect and that no one can make me cry or hurt me or whatever. However, that perfect little land of mine lasted only for 2 fucking minutes. I hated it. I hated the moment reality hit me. I hated it so much that I just wanted to be back in my perfect land.

I am so tired from everything that I am feeling. I am tired of showing people what they want to see. I am tired of hiding how I really feel. I doubt they even know how I really feel. No one does. I hate it that no one understands me. I hate it that he was the only person who understood me and left me all alone in this fucked up little world that we are living in when he once told me that he will be with me forever.

I hate being alone anywhere. It makes me think of all the sorrows that I am feeling. I hate it that I have to think of others first before myself. I hate that I cant be fucking selfish with feelings. I just wish 'people' who are surrounding me are more sensitive that they start understanding how I feel. I want people to listen to me. I want them to just please listen to what my heart yearns for.

As I type this I realised that whatever advise anyone gives me, it is all up to me whether I should follow their advise. I have heard them all say whatever they want to say but do you ever listen to what I have to say? Do you ever listen to what your heart says? Do you ever take chances on love?

I just took my chances with love but it has shattered me into pieces. The next time around, I shall be more careful with letting my feelings drown me out.

Right now, all I want is to be insensitive just like you so that I don't have to hide what I am feeling. I just want to be deleted from this earthly life so that I need not feel pain anymore. I just want to just fade away together with the light that we all see.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is low. You see love as a gift that you should give to many. It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time... Let alone one person for the rest of your life! Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

Lunch was great...it felt good...actually it felt better than good. Haha! only Yen knows why...hehe...I told you so... =)

Anyways, I was just thinking about Life itself...it has been a ROLLERCOASTER ride..as in a huge ass one. I have been hurt more than once...suffered...tortured...Then again, I remembered what a priest said during a homily. After Jesus suffered, he became glorious..then I thought to myself, I may have suffered but after all these sufferings, I will be glorious. I will be back to zero but it will be worth it. I promise, it will be worth it. I'm trying and well it will take some time before I can fully move on but I will.

Life is great...it shouldnt be wasted on sulking and crying and regretting over the past. It should be enjoyed as the moment goes by. I love life! I love me! I love my bunbun! I love my friends!and I love you!

*thanks for your call earlier, so till tuesday*

My legs are numb. Im lying in bed now and i can't fucking feel my fucking legs! argghhhh...how annoying can that be??...Today I wake up my right arm just felt sooo fucking numb and now my legs..what the fuck is wrong with me? oh well..haha...i think I will get better...Im not gonna focus on that for now..its prolly just some small crap. Right now I am just focusing on getting back with my life...getting back with being happy. getting back with being me...and not his girlfriend but as MATET...yes, at the back of my mind and my whole heart still wants to be with him but enough is enough..i dont want to cry anymore just because he doesnt want me. If he doesnt then fine. no more crying..

I feel so MUCH better today. I swear. I havent been happy in such a long time.

No. It isn't because of him again. I am happy because now I will finally PUT my feet down and just move on with my life. There is life after him. There is life after everything. It feels good.

Last nite I went out with some friends and a friend told me that 'you are hot!...you can have any other guy out there. ' Somehow with what that friend said. It made me think. Yes! I am Hot and I will always be Hot!...hehe..*ego moment* I needed my ego boosted. It felt wonderful.

As I have promised I will keep in contact. I will but now...its just plain ol' yea..how are you? kinda thing no more of that lonely feeling or whatever bullshit. I mean if he wants me back..he will come back..if he doesnt...well I will just be grateful that even for once in my life I was loved by you.

Anyways.. earlier on tonight I was watching 50 first dates...it was a feel good movie. Now i'm just thinking. I wish someone would make me fall in love everyday. Now I am watching a walk to remember...one of my favourite movies..its sad but a good one. Thats the kind of commitment I want for my next relationship. It feels good and I know it.

=)

I was just looking through my pictures at my multiply. I just wanted to cry. It hurts. Most of the pictures there were with him. What made things worst is I'm listening to M.C's Mine Again. How ironic.

On a more happier note..Im getting better with moving on. I had a semi sorta kinda like a date for lunch today. It felt weird. I was wishing it was him instead of that guy. Hey life.

I just cant wait for tomorrow. I need to feel happy even for a moment. Give me some happiness baby!. I know you can...wait...I know you will... you always do.

i cried again.

i hate how i am such a weakling for him.

I met him yesterday after a week or so...I just wanted to take him away and keep him in my bag so he has no where else to go and has no other choice but to be mine...Now..that is what I really want.

I still love him.

I am tryin to totally get over it but I just can't. Not with me still in perfect contact with him.

ANYWAYS

easter! I went to kb for my easter vigil. No. not because of him but because I felt I needed something more solemn. My holy week was not even holy week. which felt crap. So i said I needed something more solemn. The vigil was tiring but it felt good. it has 5 effing hours. Full as in super complete easter vigil. One that I haven't attended in a while.

The next day, I met up with him..we went to the hospital to visit his mum then went to church..however, half way through mass we left. I was uber hungry! I havent eaten since like the night before. So we had breakfast then I went back to the hotel I was staying in with an aunt. Then back to where I belong where there was a gatherong for my cousins' belated birthday.

Last nite I went to church with levv..then we went to gadong to catch up with things. I just realise its hard to catch up especially if you have been left out a lot!...No one to blame but myself. I wanted some time to recover. I did and I am recovered. Not fully but I am recovered. I have accepted the fact that I am single and that I will be for a while.

I am not looking for anyone to be in a relationship however if someone I desire or feel something for I may start a relationship but I shall never forget him. I love him and I will always love him.

Im happy.

wait.

no.

I am happy and sad.

im confused.

i want my booboo

i miss my booboo

i love my booboo

argh...

i shall leave you with pictures.

i love my bunniebunbun...

pout those lips honey!

yes! I can be manja with her too... she understands me... I love u!

smile??

look there its your booboo....

The beautiful sky...

our wonderful feet with our pretty slippers..

boredom..

I was chatting with a friend of yours last nite. He told me how you told him you still love me. Later on he also told me how you didn't want to get back. At first I was happy, later on, I just wanted to cry. I know I couldnt cry anymore. I've cried more than enough. I've shed so much tears for you. I'm gonna stop feeling everything that I am feeling right now and just go back to my starting point again. This is like the nth time I am saying this but I know this is the time to actually move on. I will move on. Trust me. I have done that before and I will do it again. it will be very hard but hey! if thats the only thing that would make me forget you.

I am not saying that i totally want to forget you. All I am saying is that I want to forget that I was once the girl that you love. Don't worry. I will still love you. But for now I will just put you right behind my heart and at the back of my mind. I will still be here if you need me.

As I woke up today, I decided to go to church. I asked God to give me strength. He gave me that. I feel a lot stronger today. I feel better. I reckon as the day passes I will get stronger and stronger. I will feel better and better. The good thing is, I have actually stopped crying.

I actually found the courage to throw the old roses you gave me for valentines. I decided not to sleep with booboo last nite as well as your sweater. I've chucked them away. I decided I needed to learn to sleep alone. Today I plan to take off your pictures in my room. No, I still wont delete your pictures in my computer. They still keep me happy. I just don't want to see pictures of us in my room as they remind me of you. Ive also decided to keep everything that you have given me. They will always remind me of you. So for now until I know I have moved on. I will place them in a place where I know I can't see them.

I'm sorry but I know I have to do this.

I woke up at 4am today. I called him. He seemed busy but he called back. All I wanted was to tell him how much I love him. However, I couldn't. It still hurts. It hurts to know the fact that he is not mine anymore. It hurts to know that I can never have him back.

I'm crying.

I've been crying so much.

No I am not blaming you. It isn't your fault why this happened. I never blammed you. I can never blame you. I blame myself for everything. I know it is my fault. You don't have to blame yourself. I know I haven't been the girlfriend that you want me to be. I'm sorry.

I read your blog. I cried again. No, it's not your fault. I cried because I was touched by what you said. It made me want to hope for your again but will it ever happen? I want to cry again but I can't cry anymore. My eyes hurt so much.

I want you. I want you back. No wait. I need you in my life. I know you don't see it but yes, I really need you in my life.

You take care okay. I love you. I love you so much! I will always love u!

-edited-

I just got off the phone with him. My heart started bleeding even more. The sound of your voice is just so soothing. Remember when I told you how I felt safe everytime you hugged me. The last time i felt your hug, it didnt feel the same. It made my heart bleed. The last time I saw you all I wanted was to take you away. I wanted to make you mine forever. But I can't. I can't even make you mine even for a while longer.

A while ago you said you'd be back...same thing you said before. Whenever you say that i start hoping. But then I start losing that hope as the day passes. Can you just reassure me? or just tell me that you will be back soon. Don't tell me that you will be back only after you realise that I'm really gone. I want you. I want you here with me now.

A while ago, I was talking to a friend. He told me the only way to get you off my mind is to take everything that belonged to you away from me. The only time I should look at them is when I know I am completely healed. I told him I dont want to do that as I know all the pictures, booboo, the sweater has nothing to do with you. They are just some of the things you have given me...it means a lot but not as much as you. and besides if I do that, I dont know when will I ever look at them again as I know I will never get over you.

"Back When It Was"

[Verse 1:]
I got a song in my heart
Let me start with I'm over you
Still it can't hurt me to say very plain . . . I think about you
And the laughs and the jokes and the times that I shared with you.
I got this feeling for reminiscing
Wanted to take that trip down memory lane
But what is missing, is that you're not here to sit down with me
So I'm thinking these beautiful things all by myself.
And what's on my mind is...

[Chorus:]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

[Verse 2:]
The smile that you left me with, is the same smile I've kept on wearing
The smile's not so much tied to you
More tied to what we spent sharing
Simple little things
But it was all those simple little things that pleased me the most...
Need I remind you 'bout the good times baby
There were good times from the start
Good times in my heart
A heart that never lied
Remember back in '99.
When we snuck into the neighbor's pool and went for a dip
There were good times in the rain
Good times everyday
Good times Heaven knows
Remember that dirty little joke
Made us laugh all night long.

[Chorus:]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

[Bridge]
The joy you left me with, nothing stronger since
What we did together
I ain't felt nothing better since that time
Those were the days
The nights
The minutes
The seconds
That you were mine

[Chorus]
Back when it was
Simple as breathing
Just the two of us
We were happy together it was
Easy to be in
Our relationship,
You remember when
You used to say you loved me so
Promised one time to never go away
And now you're gone

The whole song does not really relate...but it does...most the lyrics does relate. These are the songs that makes me a little bit stronger.

I'm hurting still. I wont know until when but I am hurting and will be hurting for a little longer. I thought it would be easy but it really is difficult.

I was just looking at our last pictures. The ones we took for our first year anniversary. Somehow, it made me smile because at least in those pcitures you looked happy. I just hope I did make you happy. Those pictures also made me cry just because I know that those pictures may be the last ones that I take with you.

You told me not to lose hope. But what if you find someone else? what if you never really loved me? You said you'd be back but when?...Will I have to wait forever? I am hurting and will only be hurting for you. I will be crying only for you.

I love you so much. I just want you to know that. I love you and I will always love you no matter what happens.

I thought we were happy. what happened to our future?

for the past couple of days I have been crying non stop. I wish I could just take all of the pain away. take everything that has hurt me. I know what I did was my decision but whatever I decided on. Is that how I really want things to be? Do I really want to be depressed when I could actually be happy even for a while longer?

Does he still love me? Does he even think of me? Does he want me back? cos I know I do. Right now everything is just a blurry thing that I wish could just fade away. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. I need someone to just tell me that he loves me and that he will just be there for me. I do not need just anyone. I need him and only him.

I love you.

Its been a while. But who cares, not like anyone actually reads this. However, this week has been a blergh. A lot has happened. as in A LOT has happened. but i'm too lazy so maybe next time. Haha. I love pictures!...weeeeee

We just love taking pictures!

We look like a couple no? hehe.. My previous neighbour, a childhood friend.

for the first time in a very long time...i felt really nice today. I felt like me. I felt confident. I felt emotionally and physically strong. I felt that there was a lot of greatness earlier on. I missed that. I missed how I was. I missed how I would usually get dressed and feel pretty. I missed those days when someone would give me the stare just because. I missed those days when he would say 'I think you're hot!'. So finally today, I decided, I have to be hot! I have to be myself without restraining myself just because i'm attached. To be honest, it was nice. I liked it. no. wait. I loved it. I loved the expression in his eyes when he saw what I looked tonight. I loved how he said I was 'different'. I loved how he was asking his friends how I looked different. I loved the attention he gave me. I missed that a lot. There were lots of happiness today. I am hoping it lasts.

watched fragile. great movie. freaky but somehow true. I believe in the saying 'they stay with the people they love' and they are the people who are in the other world. *shivers*

I missed you. Thank you for coming back.

I love this shot!

I was looking at some random pictures from a friends site. *sorry nanings I took some of your pics* it was our *mine and helbes* trip to the philippines. It was from our reunion with the others there. Sad to say we didn't really meet them all kse most of them had their appointments or watever excuse they made...hehe ;)


Caby, moi, nannings and michelle


marck, melvin, kb, and boo



Us again. at the club this time